happy birthday

We’re all about to graduate from college soon and as the date gets closer all I can think about is how excited I was to see you in one of those light blue Columbia gowns with a smile on your face like the one you’re wearing in that photo I have of you holding those flowers Daniella and I brought you that one dinner you cooked for us over winter break. I couldn’t wait to be so proud of you and to see you surrounded by so much love which you so deserve and on your way to the life I’d been dreaming of for you since freshman year of high school. I don’t know how time works for the dead after they die but it’s been 1 year 3 months and 5 days since you passed on my end and though the sadness never feels any easier it comes less often now—just in the moments when I get a NYT headline I’d need u to explain to me, or when I’m at Maria’s birthday and you’re not there, when there’s some anniversary of yours or generally when I’m about to hit a milestone I thought we’d share together, and sometimes, but less often now, when I don’t want to do my homework or I’m on a walk back from class and suddenly I want nothing more than to call and just speak to you for even 30 seconds to just ask how you’re doing because I haven’t heard from you in a long time and I’m kind of worried. The other day I was on a walk and I was thinking of you and to be honest I asked god, which I have shamefully been doing so often recently, to let me talk to you and a couple minutes later I walked past a building that said Hi on it. Was that you? Could you hear me? Of course you’re dead and I found out later that that building houses Harvard’s Innovation lab (H.I. for short) whatever the fuck that is, but what are the chances I walk by that building right after I sent you that message? Maybe coincidence I don’t know, I just know that I really miss you and it’s so hard to pass these landmarks that you should be here for. Julia sent me this video a couple months ago of you proposing to me as a joke on that trip we took senior year to one of those art museums in DC, and as silly as it is, I know now that if I’m ever lucky enough to get proposed to I will think of you. How funny is that? And I’m writing a thesis right now (or trying to anyway) that you would be so interested in and probably do so much better than me. Truthfully I am severely neglecting it and don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about and I can’t help but feel in moments, albeit short lasting ones, that you deserve to be here more than I ever will. The difficult thing about this all has been the double weight of my personal loss on top of the world’s loss because I know that you would have done such great things for us all. It all feels just so unfair. You would have turned 22 today and selfishly I am the one asking for a gift. If there is life after death and you’re up there reading substack (I know… how stupid a fantasy) could you please give me a chance to wish you happy birthday directly? I don’t know what that would look like but I miss you more than these letters can describe and I just want a chance to say a couple things to you I never got to. Let me know, I love you Jonathan.

Kyson